Some things are not coffee. A List:
10. A Morning Walk — No amount of sunshine and “fresh” air can fill a cup and caffienate your soul.
9. Visiting the Farmer’s Market — Okay, I know everything here is fresh and healthy and you’re thinking that you want to be one of these wakeupat6AMfeelingperky people you see around you, even though you got your ass out of bed at 10 only because the dogs kept barking in your face to go outside. The secret is that they all had their morning cup hours ago where nobody could see them and you had to run from your apartment without it so you’d make it there before everything shut down.
8. Tea — Tastes great with crumpets and biscuits (that are actually cookies because british people don’t know what they’re doing). Also a nice, cold, refreshing drink to accompany a rocking chair on a big porch. Not a substitute for coffee. ever.
7. Coffee Cake — Sounds appealing, but the name is deceptive. Eat with coffee, not without it.
6. Wine — unfortunately.
5. Energy drinks — I don’t know what kind of drugs they put in those things, but they can’t be good for you. What is taurine anyway? is it sweat from a bull? All these drinks are sick. Coffee grows on a tree, you roast it and steep it in hot water. Not a whole lot to figure out there. Go for the tried and true.
4. Naps — you have withdrawal. You’re tired, you have a headache. All you want to do is go back to bed. DON’T DO IT! You’ll only wake up 3 hours later with a thumping addict’s headache in the middle of the afternoon and have to brew a pot then. Irrational fights with family members happen after ill-planned naps.
3. Chocolate — It has some caffeine, it’s delicious and you don’t have to take the time to brew it. You’ll need about 15 bars of chocolate if you’re really planning on substituting it.
2. Decaf “coffee” — Get over yourself. What’s the point? The only reason this is not #1 is that there is still a little caffeine left in decaf “coffee” so theoretically you could just drink about 5 cups and have it equal out. Okay, more coffee for less, but at least there is more coffee involved.
1. Instant “coffee” — THE WORST. It looks like coffee, smells like coffee, but it does NOT taste like coffee. The worst part? It comes in decaf.